You should be able to expect that any professional you hire, for whatever purpose, can do what you want done, according to basic knowledge; and not use you as a source of income, or for their own experimentation. They administer and analyze tests. They cannot be traced back to a particular “cause” being responsible for the problem. Marriage is the “safe zone” in the unsafe world. At the same time, for an individual who is married and unhappy in part because of marriage problems, this may not … Our in-house stats (over 10 years or so) are that couples who both willingly take their course will not only turn their marriage around, but even couples who are not in emergency have astounding success; pretty much 100% of the time. Among psychologists, there are no universal agreements about. As I hear of families breaking apart, I am working with children of divorce who are trying to salvage their own marriages. And, to really drive home the point of them not having a consistent body of knowledge… the rate of divorce among psychologists is higher than average! For those that think I am discouraging individual therapy, know this. Although marriage therapists and counselors' primary goal is to help you improve your relationship, that isn't always possible. Although I agree that “there are no guarantees with “traditional” marriage counseling“, effective marriage help systems, like ours ARE guaranteed. How is that going to help your marriage?? In fact they learn that a soul is no more than an abstract thought. When there is danger, leave! The depth of the hole you may have dug yourself into is barely an issue. Cathy Meyer. Most couples who try traditional couples counseling stagnate, suffer even more, or end their marriage altogether. I had zero failures. I have heard the excuses because many of our clients tell us they want to save their marriage but their marriage counselor told them it was impossible because…. I miss him. In other, less complicated, venues, the approach of finding micro-solutions works just fine. Psychological studies are loose, at best, often building on ideas they found, and liked, in other ‘loose’ studies, that were “accepted” by an academic board. First – Working on “problems” or “issues” distracts you from learning about and working on the underlying dynamics of your marriage, and that is an absolute requirement to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. Who they trust, based on their own personality pretty much determines what they think is legitimate. Weekly email newsletter filled with articles, Divrei Torah, upcoming events and more! I feel so strongly about this because I have heard many stories of relationships that could have been repaired had one spouse not been poisoned by his/her therapist about the other. But negotiation and arbitration do nothing to train the couple for marriage, instead those become the quickest route to failure. Today is the worst day of my life, and have no friends I can share my pain with. How will that help you? Sure, there are a few incredible therapists, but even they are doing their own thing. Nicholas 5 years ago As a counselor in training, I find your points very interesting. An Exceptional Opportunity from Longtime NCSY and Yachad Supporters. 5 Ways to Tell if Marriage Counseling is Ruining Your Marriage October 30, 2019 Sheila Qualls Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! I’m certain you have already experienced the futility of bringing up problems. Then, because of reactions, and re-reactions on both parts, people end up in all kinds of descending cycles of pain. In marriage you have to use a “different” approach, that enhances, rather than detracts from its unique conditions. If even half of the myriad ideas concocted by Western psychologists about marriage were useful the divorce rate would be much lower than it is today. A previous article I wrote entitled, “How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage”– provoked a few strong responses from fellow mental health professionals. Because there are no “practical” qualifications. Their treatment regimes (when they have one) are so disparate that even when there is a “marriage help center”, where a number of therapists work seemingly “together”, the differences between each and every therapist are huge. Not to write on a screen. Returning Home to the House of Faith: What Will the Future Look Like? In fact, a better alternative can save you from a lot more pain and probably save your marriage. I know, from our own reviews and testimonies, from those who use our unique system, that success should be expected; and with a lot less “work” than the naysayers claim is necessary. Jealous Bitter Older Woman has Ruined my Marriage. The underlying dynamics of your marriage are always the roots of the problems. Am I advising you do to fire your individual therapist? But read on. When you are married you have the perfect set-up for selfless service, love, and consideration. More would crop up in their place. Theirs is a terrible approach to take, because, ultimately, it reduces your marriage to a business deal of sorts. Don’t keep putting things off, either. He thought marriage counseling should be all about educating a couple; “they don’t need therapy” he used to say. Marriage is a living organism Marriage is a “whole society” comprised of only the two of you. Article Tags: – Bless you, and I hope you look over our approach and why it is so effective, and change your mind. Our tutorial, with counseling approach, is the right way for any individual or couple. Is that a pipe dream? The above statement is an irrefutable “truth”. So I made it my business to analyze the deficiencies in their approach. Most people naturally expect knowledge and training to be rigorous and consistent for marriage counselors, too. Had I read this before Maybe I would still be married. There are many excuses marriage counselors have for their failures, instead of admitting they don’t truly understand marriage. But note that continued conflict in marriage is not good as it… Read More »My Marriage Is Ruining My Health There is almost no legitimate excuse for failures, which almost all come from giving up. Their profession has no business claiming they can help marriages. Marriage family therapists don’t share relevant statistics with new clients. We Appreciate You!! I have been helping thousands of marriages for many years using a system that I designed and perfected to help even the most desperate couples; inexpensively- with support from counselors. It may sound complex, but it isn’t so difficult when you start to “get it”. The generally used protocol used by virtually every marriage and family therapist is to begin with getting to know you and your spouse. Just resolving a few “problems” or getting your arguments “mediated” are usually the best a marriage counselor can offer; that is if they are even close to useful. There is a winner, a loser, or a fair deal. I didn’t write this to put down marriage counselors, who as people are like everyone else. Diversity is not an advantage. Whatever you do, don’t let your therapist destroy your marriage! They want help and they need a roadmap for healing. Many of the above mistakes in marriage actually seem “normal” to you, especially the ‘loving your kids more than your spouse’. He works with couples in person and worldwide via Skype. We want you to be so happy that you can’t take it! Further proof is that even wealthy people, who generally have access to the “best” of everything, suffer from the same rate of unhappiness and divorce. In my mediation practice, where I assumed the role of an unbiased expert moderator to help split asetts and assign roles for parenting, I broke communication into three distinct types for my clients. Do you not see that is a conflict in reason? Therapists may take it upon themselves to affirm a small, or gargantuan flaw in one spouse or the other; after all, we all have them. It leads to insecurity and second-guessing. In reality, it does damage to both individuals, and the marriage as a whole. They help create a more positive context for great losses or trauma. Regardless of who is at stake that couple on this planet does have been part of treatment and one that is issued by the couple decides to divorce is because they counseling ruined my marriage didn’t realize when the interested the deepest kind of being left. They do not have to be married, or have any ‘true” marriage-specific training. A relationship requires two people, and in order to change it the dynamic has to change. It’s true, a good therapist may be able to help an individual overcome their individual flaws, but they should never do so in front of the other spouse. 13. Jealous Bitter Older Woman has Ruined my Marriage 2020-11-22T08:45:07-05:00. The above is factual. Couples repair their marriage by learning how to relate to each other in healthier ways. From that one question it is only a matter of time before the overt and subtle accusations start flowing. The fees are asked me out on Sunday I did five more. Anxiety is ruining my marriage, help! They help them get their footing back. For instance, if your tires are balding unevenly you don’t just want to replace the tires, or you will be replacing them all the time. Ruined to Recovery helps both spouses navigate their next steps when the affair is discovered. In the human body a bad heart can be caused by bad dental hygiene that infects your jaw, which then strains the heart. This email was flirty and sexual in nature, but could be considered harmless. There are two online programs, one for women, another for men, and both include access to our specially trained counselors. Moreover, you can’t keep a counselor at home, so you need to have the right tools on hand for your marriage. Some marriages are full of chaos and instability. Traditional marriage counseling is a frustrating waste of time. We are not talking about cases of physical abuse or of potential threat to one’s life. My philosophy is have a marriage neither want to leave, not be forced to live in a marriage that is destroying them. Putting off your efforts, “giving things more time”, just means more pain and suffering. Problems within marriages cannot be isolated to a chain of cause and effect. Because they do not have consistency they cover up for this huge problem by calling their treatments “individualized”. Those cycles are the REAL problems! The same kind of expectations are reasonable for a plumber, computer repair person, dentist, or doctor. While these may all be forms of verbal abuse, they can often be dealt with and couples’ behavior can change. When I told her how unusual it was, from my experience, for marriage counselors to actually help marriages she said: “Oh, she, (the marriage counselor), wasn’t able to help us stay together, we’re filing for divorce at the end of the week, but we really like her.”. Ask the therapist not to make any suggestions about your spouse. These facts really says something about them not having a cohesive, or explainable, formula for marriage. They laughed, and said my efforts to keep them ‘consistent’ was like herding cats. MyDomaine's Editorial Guidelines. “My cousin went to counseling because her husband cuts the sandwich straight inside of diagonal. I have heard about therapists who have convinced one spouse to leave the other without even meeting him/her or inviting him/her to join a therapy session! Whether or not it was true, those words had a profound effect on the husband and it forever tarnished the way he viewed his wife. When your marriage is in trouble you don’t have time to play games and experiment. I have been thinking about leaving the marriage because of them and to protect my children too. That’s not for marriage, though. Marriage is not like anything else. All professions generally have the same literal information that they draw from in their particular field. Its the first thing to address, so you can stop sliding, get your bearings, and get moving in the right direction. It seems like every year there is a new “we were bad in the past, but now we are good” pronouncement, with a new “treatment”. As a profession they never found a “cure” for marital dysfunction. The ONLY way, for instance, to heal ‘communication’ or any other issue in a marriage is to create, or re-create, the “correct” dynamics of a deep loving and mutually respectful connection. They are rated by things that don’t matter; like they wrote a good book. The therapists who are labeled ‘MFT’s’, or marriage family therapists, are not trained in a universal way. For me, one of the biggest impacts of determining my Enneagram type was the understanding it brought to my marriage. The goal of good couples work is that the spouse can become that presence, not the therapist. Even if working on problems and issues ‘worked’, what good would it do to just stop a problem or two, anyway? On the verge of splitting up, my husband offered one last ditch effort—marriage counseling. There are two online programs, one for women, another for men, and both include access to our specially trained counselors. If anger in your marriage is poisoning your relationship, you should tackle your weak points and assess whether you are angry at your spouse for their shortcomings or yours. Individual therapy is often very helpful. Marriage has “supreme” benefits you cannot find elsewhere. “What’s up” is a set-up for lighting the fuse to even more cycles of negative actions and reactions. You want to find out why its happening. We have had to discontinue the training of some therapists who wanted to be certified by The Marriage Foundation. You need to learn about marriage and all the components that together make for a happy and fulfilling marriage. They make sure the person reaching out is 100% clear, and know how to approach their next steps. Marriage success comes from what you will do now, and in the future, in spite of any errors you made in the past. Its not even close to the same as a medical degree. There is no getting around this. Instead of acting married to each other. Its scary! However, even if only the wife works on her program, the “it takes the efforts of both to have success” theory is shattered! My step children put stuff in my food and are just horrible. There are four primary “aspects” to marriage. Just fixing a “thing” or two, or even heavy pruning, will only produce temporary relief, at best. Here is one example I have heard over the years from more than one couple: “We’ve been married 20 years and it has been pretty bad, but now I have no desire to work on the relationship and I am ready for divorce.” They went together for years of bad marriage counseling that didn’t help, yet they still stayed together. I know you can’t put text up, but just throw in a few pics and build an audience there. Occasionally, one of the couple will think they were “heard” and that the other, now “knows”, and will make changes; that never happens. The underlying dynamics of your marriage are THE supreme cause of either. The Orthodox Union is honored to be cosponsoring the online shloshim for Rav Gedalia Dov Schwartz zt"l. Thursday, J… https://t.co/sXhg9qFSQA, RT @NDiament: #Appropriations package contains doubling of funding for @DHSgov #Nonprofit Security Grants to help keep houses of worship an…. It truly does not matter how much you pay for marriage counseling. You need to understand how to create the wonderful underlying dynamics of marriage, as well as avoid feeding your detrimental habits, those that undermine individual and mutual happiness. That is how we at TMF see it, and that is realistic. But if your marriage is rooted in chronic conditions, such as taking each other for granted, arguing, or routine disrespectful behavior, the fruits of your marriage will all be problematic. Because he taught counseling at the collage level his aim, before he passed, was to introduce our principles and techniques to his students. Other than infidelity, I have observed that therapy is often the cause for one spouse to throw in the towel and give up. The indisputable fact is that while psychologists have “been in charge” of marriage study (for over 100 years) most people get divorced, or are unhappily married. Every client knew exactly what they needed to do, why, and what they should expect. ADHD is Ruining My Marriage. Jealousy is an issue in one-third of all couples receiving marriage counseling, according to a nationwide survey of marriage counselors. Let the problems you are experiencing be only regarded as your “wake-up call”. But they do not stand up to willful positive actions that are designed specifically to make your marriage work the way its supposed to. It is time to address the core of your marriage. Remember, its a business. When I was a divorce mediator, virtually all of my clients were referred to me by therapists who tried but failed to help couples stay together. It seems logical, I know! Nothing good comes of it. Very very horrible. For details and next steps on what it looks like to prioritize your relationship in practical ways, check out my latest book: Choosing Marriage. So, as you can gather, the basis for their ideas, diagnosis’s, and treatments, are quite random. They don’t. Marriage is intrinsically different from any other venue in our lives. But its especially true in marriage. I never thought so. If you are currently in marriage counseling you know exactly what I’m talking about. When I trained therapists in groups they sometimes commented on how “rigid” my protocols were. You are in charge of your future. Anxiety is ruining my marriage, help! Their claims are false. Here are three ways in which individual therapy may make your relationship issues worse: I am amazed at how therapists can draw conclusions about the other spouse without ever meeting him or her. Secondly – “Working on” problems further reinforces the negatives, including the poor communication that is already damaging your relationship. The traditional psychological approach highlights your temporary conflicts, and drags them out. If you have to be the one who has to heal your marriage by yourself, please read this informative article. Then, as is the nature of a healthy marriage, things only get better from there; every single day. Your marriage should get better, right from the start, as you recognize the simple “toxic” things you do that undermine your happiness, and stop them. Here are some normal “human nature” things you can expect in traditional sessions. To make matters worse, there are no specific “schools for marriage counseling”. All that you stated above I … Unlike in other professions, where healing protocols are ultimately derived from all practitioners using the same protocols, testing minor changes in a standardized way, then improving upon the same protocols, there are no processes within the broad “school of psychology” to facilitate that. I am always shocked to hear that a therapist will support his or her client’s decision to divorce their spouse without first advising the couple to work together on resolving their conflict. Like when your dental hygienist tells you to floss more, or your doctor tells you to use sunscreen. The words of this author reflect his/her own opinions and do not necessarily represent the official position of the Orthodox Union. If you come home disagreeing with your spouse saying, “Well, my therapist said…” then you need to become a little more aware of the influence your individual therapy is having on your marriage. That rather stupid idea (sorry for the word stupid, but there is no more accurate description) was based on “studies”, too. Therefore, it has different “rules” than any other venue. The “studies’ psychologists produce are only useful when they are “hard” data oriented, for statistical knowledge; like how many people get divorced more than once, or which categories have the highest divorce rate. They want to know what they may be doing “wrong”. Professionals know whats wrong, can tell you why something broke, fix it, and offer suggestions for better care. I hope not. Ruined to Recovery provides this. Psychologists are not like medical doctors or licensed plumbers; who have to prove they know what they are doing in order to be licensed. What makes a marriage healthy is the support that spouses get from each other. She was done with her marriage and there was no possible way I could even invite her to do couples work with her husband. It must be pointed out that, for many “reasons”, the idea of working on problems in your marriage seems perfectly logical. Its every man for them self. So learning how is important. It is time to address the underlying dynamics that sustain everything else. Almost anything that “happened in the past” (from infidelity, to lying, to …. You must proactively do your part. In marriage, the happier you try to make your spouse, the better off you both will be. Because of those useful studies we know a lot, but they do not lead to “treatments”. When it comes to the reasons why marriages work, or fail, therapists do not have anything but “educated” guesses; either their’s or someone else’s. In contrast, my specific list of steps were outlined on my whiteboard. The reasons for their reliability have a lot to do with a consistent “body of knowledge” for their particular profession. It’s no secret how different my husband and I are . They expect a marriage counselor would draw from a “body of knowledge” that all therapists draw from… But its not the case. If you work on the heart problem without correcting the underlying dental hygiene, you will, at best, do a “patch”. They offer practical understanding, when asked. Or how many children commit suicide from intact families compared to those raised in split homes (there is a much bigger difference than one would think). #4: Find Someone Who Completes You . Unfortunately, that is generally how marriage counseling plays out. “My sister in law made an appointment for marriage counseling because her husband greeted their dog before her when coming home from work.” — Freyja_the_derpyderp. What you are taught about marriage leads you down the prone-to-divorce path. “Statistical data” cannot explain the “causes” for unhappy marriages and divorces. You could be very wrong. In most marriages, both partners contribute to the conflict they are experiencing. You eliminate a problem behavior and voila, you do better, and prosper. In contrast, when you systematically stop the cycles, the current problems will gradually lose their power over you. Remember how before you got married you thought about love, friendship, family, intimacy, sex, and other deep and significant elements of your life, and lives together? You need a solid path of specific things to do, that you can do, that will produce specific results. And, we don’t want you to just stop doing a few things you are doing “wrong” (and wrong in one marriage may be fine in others). This ‘shift’ is the only thing that brings about results. With the right perspective, the desire, and the proper tools it is possible to save even the worst marriages. Sign up for our Shabbat Shalom e-newsletter, a weekly roundup of inspirational thoughts, insight into current events, divrei torah, relationship advice, recipes and so much more! You and your spouse are too intricately interlaced, and this at a very deep level. Marriage is superior to anything else in the world, and we knew it when we got married. The only psychological part of marriage is individual. But therapists refer to “foundational” studies that don’t specifically relate to marriage problems, nor do they give good indicators for treatments. With our generous guarantee it should be a no-brainer to try. Similarly, when you work on the underlying dynamics of your marriage, the problems (a therapist wants to address) will disappear as a matter of course. The worst therapists act as superior judges, explaining to seasoned adults how and what they did was “wrong”. Effectively, and although it’s a “crude” way to put this, they are all winging it. We see GREAT results when only one takes the course designed for their gender. Even if they grow up and marry a supportive spouse, they still often suffer from their parents’ inability to repair their own marriage. There is no “base”, so to speak. In my earlier days I was introduced to a wonderful therapist, Paul Hagenburger (unfortunately he passed away too soon). ... You must first want help and then pursue counseling. If you have the right intention, everything can be repaired. Using the “best” money can buy, of that which does not work, leads to divorce. It is just human nature to make our complaints really sound good so we get sympathy…right? We also have two books. They will be much happier if they are in a loving family environment instead of a pretend-happy family where the parents are only fooling themselves. You should always try. Practical simple explanations and approaches such as ours work. Individually, some therapists experiment with new protocols of their own design; writing new books and selling “cures” as fast as “latest” diets are created. Never give up. Issues and problems you experience today will simply cease to exist once your marriage’s underlying dynamics are marriage friendly. To contact Rabbi Slatkin, please visit www.TheRelationshipRabbi.com. However, the only information they actually need to know, beyond the fact that you are both suffering in your marriage, is that neither of you are pedophiles, or dangerous in some other way (as those are warning signs which cannot be ignored). Why is this a demonstrable problem? Both will try to get the therapist on their side. This should be practical, understandable, and clear. How can you fit enough useful information into forty-five minutes, or forty-five days. You expect more from them than of yourself (this can be subtle), The focus of the session shifts to blame and self-righteousness. It will not help!!! Even if divorce is not encouraged, it is not helpful when a therapist speaks poorly about your spouse or gives you advice. But rarely do we hear “I promised to remain in sickness and in health”. I say you can use ‘what got you here’ as an incentive to do what you need to do, starting now. I know they don’t because I do. You wouldn’t want to stake the success of your marriage on treatments based on these kinds of studies. Ultimately, you and your spouse need to discuss and decide together what is best for your relationship, as you will be the ones to live with whatever decision you make. The deep study of free will precludes anyone from intruding on the free will of the other. They are not like medical studies, which are ‘impeccable’ according to Western scientific standards. An example is when you have problems with your car. The declining happiness in their marriage was why they became our clients. The other day someone told me the marriage counselor she and her husband were seeing worked wonders. But are either of those enough value for the time and money you have to dish out? I have created a very commonsensical approach that is efficient, effective, and coherent. can evaluate your body’s health using specific tests of various organs, and by using the same tests and analysis all other M.D.s use. When one does something that terribly hurts the other, or their marriage, the “reasons why”, the causes, are always traceable to things lacking in the couple’s underlying lack of understanding, and it shows up in the way they behave. CLICK HERE TO READ MY REVIEW OF SAVE THE MARRIAGE BY LEE BAUCOM, PhD. I am a firm believer in your product and it saved my marriage. Sign up today. With all of the stress that is going on in the world and in the news coupled with managing work, the family, and all of your day to day responsibilities it’s no wonder that so many of you feel anxious! Here is what happens in sessions. In contrast, to guarantee success means you know your guidance is practical and relevant. The “art” of psychotherapy is simply ill-fitted for marriage. 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